Marriage

I am in the mood. So might as well write this up.

The above captioned subject has been getting a lot of air at home off late. Zeenat has put me on the market and - from the looks of it – is pretty keen to get me hitched ASAP (as we business types say). While a post on Zeenat ‘Bharat Matrimony’ Amman’s antics will definitely prove to be entertaining – i have a slightly more serious subject in mind.

I was actually told to meet this girl (A, lets call her) to complete Level 2 due diligence (Level 1 is just paperwork. Level 3+ will mean serious news) and what i could deduce after a 15 minute, um, heart-to-heart was that there was nothing wrong* i could see, prima facie. Which is pretty much what feedback parents expect after Level 2.

(*This is dicey to explain. Because when i say ‘nothing wrong’ – it is based on a 15 minute assessment of this 21/22 year old, freshly out of college type female. One tends to discount a lot of things and concentrate on basic things like looks, native intelligence and the circumstances (background, adaptability potential etc) if you understand what i mean. After all, you’re not agreeing to get married on the spot. There’ll be fair amount of talking post Level 2)

Surprisingly – ‘A’ thought that i was too ‘serious’ ‘work oriented’ and a ‘reserved type’ etc. and  Zeenat & Co got psyched, called it off, got over it quickly and are now fully engrossed in fresh projects.

But I now actually think that this is whole process is not as easy as it once looked. It is going to take a while.

Let me explain why:

There's a fundamental mismatch between the emotional state we expect to feel for a potential spouse - we want to "fall wildly in love," experiencing that ecstatic stew of passion, desire, altruism, jealousy, etc - and the emotional state that actually determines a successful marriage over time **

I think it is fair to expect that any 21/22 year old girl Zeenat & Co will try to set me up will be wary, confused and in any case as clueless as anyone possibly can be (ANY person for that matter, in my opinion, who is not old enough / who has not actually worked for a few years outside the more relaxed settings of a college maybe will be) and hence will depend on the experiencing of ‘ecstatically stew of emotions’ & ‘falling wilding in love’ (whatever you can in 15 mins or 1 hour) as the principal guide to OK moving up from Level 2.

Thusly there was a ‘fundamental mismatch’ between what A expected to feel and what i signals i sent off. While ‘A’ was looking for reconfirmation of the ‘dopaminergic surge’ & i guess a certain amount of showing off – whereas here i was, actually telling her about my last month’s travels, real estate prices,  asking her about why she did not enjoy reading, why did not yet know what she wanted to do after college and explaining why i don't feel like using my facebook account that much (Romba reservedo ?)

There is some sort of a lesson or two in this for me i think:

While a successful marriage will eventually have to survive the rigors of ‘adaptation & Intimacy’ - i must work out a formula to screen a girl for potentially possessing these qualities, whilst offering a Common-minimum-level dopaminergic surge – & also get OKed in return.

So how does a normal 25/26 year old guy behave ? Some notes (mainly based on above mentioned experience. i’l probably add more as i gain experience)

• Learn important fundae like the location of ‘Prego’ inside the Taj Coromandel. How long it takes to drive to fisherman’s cove from MRC Nagar. GRT Vs the Residency towers (arguments FOR and AGAINST),
• Learn to  keep a straight face when bharatanatyam, music academy & carnatic music gurus are mentioned..
• Stay inside the girl’s comfort zone – locations, restaurants, movie genres, hobbies, overall knowledge base.
• Refrain from acting bored, refrain from expressing strong opinions about anything in general
• Acquire slightly trendier clothes & shoes and keep them specifically for such occasions
• Acquire new glasses. The old spare is from the 90s, the ‘new’ Reeboks are just about 7 years old.
• Do not mention eye power scores. Do not mention that you actually worked off 16 kilos recently and still are ‘Overweight’. DO NOT explain what BMI means. Theres really no need.
• Do not show signs of owning a blackberry. Turn it off and leave it in car.
• VERY IMPORTANT: Pay attention & work really hard on delivering a decent dopaminergic surge.
• DO NOT rely on Zeenat’s biographic fundae. DO NOT make personality assessments based on existing knowledge of parents. 

And if there are younger kids reading this by any chance, please remember that you’re better off finding someone on your own – trust me - you’re parents will be secretly relieved. They are, after all, more clueless & Inept at this than you probably are.

P.s – The stuff in italics and phrases in single quotes are from here

P.s 2 – As always, if i am ashamed of this in the morning. I’l take it off.